Sometimes the weekend passes and I barely notice. This has been happening so much lately that I took a vow to reduce the amount of things I take on. The vow involved me looking in the mirror and saying: "Andrea. Please stop taking on too much. Stop it, stop it, fucking hell, cut it out. Thank you."
See, when I get this overwhelmed I find myself longing for the strangest things. Doing a load of laundry starts to look pretty luxurious. Washing the dishes becomes fun because the very action implies that you have time to wash them. Suddenly I want to exercise, make long-overdue doctor's appointments, and re-pot all my houseplants. Most often though I want to lock myself in my room and never come out. Ideally, I would neither see nor hear another human for a long period of time.
I think, at my most basic level, I want to reach a point where I am able to proceed with a clear mind. I want to leave my obligations, stresses and pressures where they belong: burning in a pit in my backyard. Or at least somewhere out of sight. Burning in a pit in someone's else's yard. I hear stress is extremely flammable.
Only at that point am I able to rent movies, write songs, and catch up with myself. Right now I am running so far ahead that I could sneak up on myself from behind. This concept could work well in a music video, but in real life it's hardcore freaky.
To demonstrate, my dialogue with myself meeting myself would be as follows:
Andrea #1, running up behind Andrea #2: "Hey! Andrea! I haven't seen you in ages! How the hell have you been?"
Andrea #2, nearly jumping out of her skin: "Sweet Christ on a bicycle, Andrea? What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be, uh, part of me or something?"
Andrea #1, still running: "Oh, you know, I'm just taking care of some stuff I think is reeeeally important. If it doesn't get done immediately by me, than someone else might have to do it. So I thought I would just take a few extra things on. Whoo-eee, I sure love to be busy! And all this running keeps me in shape! IT'S A BRILLIANT STRATEGY!"
Andrea #2: "Um, Andrea, no offence, but you don't look so good. Your hair is a disaster, your clothes are destroyed, and you don't look like you've slept in a few weeks. And you aren't wearing shoes."
Andrea #1, jogging along beside: "Who needs sleep or shoes? Not me! Ha HA! I have Very Important Things to do, Andrea. It's imperative to do them now. Don't slow me down with your sleep talk. Sleep is for the weak. And shoes are for people who have time to put them on."
Andrea #2: "Wouldn't it be possible for someone else to take these things on for you? Or if not, can't you still take a bit of a break? Maybe to sleep or shower? Or... Jesus Andrea, are you clutching last week's lunch? This is NOT COOL. You hate leftovers! What's gotten into you?"
Andrea #1, running ahead: "Sorry, no time to discuss, late for a rendez-vous! We'll catch up next lap! Rock on, sistah!"
So you see, this really does nobody any good.
What I need to do is keep the necessary and ditch the extra. Yes, this will make me feel guilty for being scarce and skipping out on things, but I am of no use to anybody if there are two of me running around, one of whom is crazy and shoe-less. I vow to stand up for my nights off. Beloved evening-with-no-plans, I will never abandon you again. I will love you for what you are and cherish your flaws. I will lay you down on a bed of roses. If I can't find any roses, my futon will have to be the next best thing. God that sounds luxurious right now.