Tuesday, November 13, 2007

My Advice To You

1. If you happen to be losing weight, do not celebrate by immediately buying two pairs of expensive pants. Because chances are the pants will fit really well for a week or two, and then they will become too big. Not only does this leave you broke, but this also leaves you sporting that awful scrunched-at-the-waist look that a tight belt will give a roomy pair of pants. Upside: You will probably gain weight over the winter, because winter is like that. Score.

2. If you know that sweets with really processed sugar actually make your mouth sore and bloody, don't eat them. Or don't, for example, split a log of chocolate marzipan with your Better Half because it seems fun and romantic. Instant mouth sores are not fun or romantic. They are painful. Upside: There is no upside to a sore mouth. It makes it hard to eat, and harder to make out. Lame.

3. If you finally take your old wardrobe out of your dad's garage with the hopes of using it for clothing storage, immediately check for Makeshift Daddy Repairs. Otherwise, you will spend an hour swearing at the wardrobe because none of the drawers fit anymore. It would be wiser to ask, "Dad, did you glue random pieces of wood to the bottom of the drawers?". The answer will likely be a resounding "Yes..." and that's all you will need to know before scrounging around for a chisel. Upside: You will eventually have a functional wardrobe to store your billions of sweaters. Sweet.


Jo Stockton said...

Oh wow, I hear you on the pants thing. I went through all of that when I was losing weight last year and now I'm going through the reverse having gained it back. I'm tempted to ditch pants all together and live in dresses and tights all winter.



Stop being so optimistic. Here I went and nominated you to be the 5th Muse for the ElginStreetIrregulars and they turned down the nomination because you're not dysfunctional enough. They love your blog though. Oh well.

Andrea SK said...

Jo: Yes, dresses. Good call. I am so sick of pants I can't even tell you. (My pessimistic side says pants can burn in hell)

UP: Okay, I'll stop being optimistic. The world? It sucks.

But I will point out that any banjo player who takes pictures of her boobs (and her friend's boobs) in a public bathroom after a single glass of wine displayes at least some level of dysfunction. I thought the ESIs liked boobs! (Thanks for the thought, by the way.)

zoom said...

I would like to wear dresses all winter, but how do you keep the wind from blowing up your dress and making it billow, and causing goose bumps where there should be none?

Andrea SK said...

Zoom, I think your best option would be binder clips.

kerri said...

Yeah, pants are no good. I ditched all mine (except for jeans) for skirts and dresses a few years ago. So. Much. Better.

A long coat will keep everything warm and wind-proof.


I'll run the boob thing by them, but they also have a problem with you using your real name in your blog. Personally, I think they just don't want any other members even though they suggested the prize of being allowed to nominate another ESI member AND they awarded me that prize. Their criteria are pretty wonky. Feh. I'm not giving up, though. Suggestions gladly accepted.

Jo Stockton said...

Zoom: Under my skirts in the winter I wear two (two!) pairs of tights. One thick, wooley, warm, yet unattractive pair, and then a sleek, good looking, solid coloured pair over top. This is, surprisingly, not uncomfortable at all (unless I'm accidently wearing the "control top" tights my mother inexplicabley buys me)and it solves the wind-under-the-dress problem.

Long coats and/or binder clips would probably work very well too.


M-A said...

Pants: Be glad you live in a place where you can get pants your size! I am still larger than Large over here in most stores. Also, I have a butt, which doesn't really work with the Japanese aesthetic.

Carpentry: *laugh* I can totally see your dad doing something like that, convinced it will make the drawers SO MUCH BETTER! *loves your dad*